>Are You in Space Horror?

Posted: 26/09/2009 in Movies

>Netflix steals my time, and it has stolen my time in the form of a few movies of the space horror genre, such as Event Horizon and the animated Dead Space. I’ve seen aspects of space horror in other things as well. Even Firefly had a space horror episode.

I have decided to write a blog to the people of the distant future. Hopefully, this blog will still be around in a few decades/centuries in to help those who spacefarers know the signs of space horror and how to avoid common mistakes in responding to them.

That’s right people of the future: pay close attention to this blog. If you do, you won’t have to be the last surviving crew member, desperately repairing the distress beacon as the space demons close in, in the darkest corner of your once proud ship, which now drifts aimlessly through the black, vast, uncaring void of space.

Signs that you are in Space Horror!

You are on a gritty, dimly lit, and coldly metallic space vessel. Hey, I don’t judge why you signed on. Maybe there’s a lot of work found in mining asteroids. Maybe you got posted on a new military vessel. You might even make a living hauling cargo around in a used junker. It could even be the future has a completely different view of aesthetics than we do.

Nonetheless, ships like this are magnets for the space demons. I would suggest avoiding ships like this at nearly any cost. Maybe you should give up spacefaring and become a doctor like your father wanted. Who knows? Try to get aboard ships that look like they’d be a place you’d want to live. Look for sleek, brightly light interior designs and spacious cabins. The space demons never bother with those.

In fact, the only time you should get on a gritty, dimly lit, and junker-type space vessel is if it is crewed by an unlikely gang of adventurers who sail under the guidance of a gruff, but caring, space-captain. Ships like that are usually pretty safe, but avoid snooping around for cargo compartments.

Your ship finds a large, mysterious, and seemingly inanimate object someplace. Perhaps it is a giant monument covered with mysterious runes. It may be a beacon left by an ancient civilization. It may even be experimental technology from your own government. Nonetheless, you look to the obelisk with fear and trepidation.

But whatever it is leave it alone. Things like this are likely not inanimate. They could very well hold evil toxins or something similar that will turn you and crew into space demons/zombies/mutants or whatever. Go ahead and just note in your log and sail on by. You might even consider reburying it if you unearthed it. Don’t listen to the token science guy on the ship when he insists “we must stay here and study this for blah blah blah.”

You have found a crazy person or a crew member has gone crazy. Now here is something we’ve all seen. The doctor’s got some poor guy sedated, but he keeps needing more medicine. When he wakes up, he babbles incoherently. He might be saying, “they’re going to eat our bones” or “don’t open the gate! Don’t open the gate!!” He might even be trying to cut himself or attempt to escape via an empty air lock in a panic.

Chances are, this guy is probably about the most reasonable person on the entire ship right now. If he is saying things like “must escape, must escape” or the even more ominous “they’re coming back. Don’t let them come back” he –though crazy- is giving you very good advice. If he was a stranded survivor, leave wherever it was that you found him immediately. If he is your own crew member, leave whatever area he first started going crazy in. Don’t forget to quarantine him and run a thorough scan of your ship for toxins, viruses, or little tiny robots.

You have an annoying, science officer on your ship. This character believes that he is the voice of reason in any crisis. He is always the first to say “there must be a scientific explanation of all this” or maybe “now is not the time to panic.” As I alluded to earlier, he is the guy who insists that the mysterious objects or anything else must be studying or that we must wait for more data before doing anything.

Ignore this character. His role in the space horror is to remind everyone of the hubris of science against either superior science or the supernatural. Unless carefully reined in, this character will guide you and your ship to disaster. Be happy that he is often one of the first people the space demons will go for, but of course when the space demons are already eating major characters it might already be too late.

So there it is people of the future! Avoid space horror by following these steps and many others. I wish you the best in your space faring future. Now boldly go, and don’t do anything stupid!

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